You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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