how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
