my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
