You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
