Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
