Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
