my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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