That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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