her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The beer is more important than you right now.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
