I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
