Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
