The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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