That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Houston, we have a blender
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
