What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
