You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
