is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
