I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
