Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't deserve a penis
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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