before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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