I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
