Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
