the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
