Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
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no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
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We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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