I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
