The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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