Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I did not marry a roomba.
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