True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
