my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
