My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
