There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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