Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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