When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
