my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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