well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I still have a little drunk in my system
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
