Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
