hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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