im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
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Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
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hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
And then he peed in my hair
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