just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
