Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
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Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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