I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
