the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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