I wish my penis had an off switch
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize