Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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