I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
