You really coming over, don't trick.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
