she was so not down for the gang bang
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
sex in a hospital.. check
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
