this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
