Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
