Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
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You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
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TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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