meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
