Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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