I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
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Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
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Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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