I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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